Sleepless

Lately sleepless nights plagued my existence
filling it up with endless reruns
of someone else's memories
I watched with hallowed eyes
the parade of seamless colours
not knowing when it started and when
it would end.

HK and back...

Finally finished what i had to do for work and took the opportunity to fly to HK for a short visit to see my brothers the weekend before last. Didn't do much except eating and erm more eating (check out our food pix on flickr). We did managed to go up to the peak, sang KTV and watch "Hancock" while there but it was really more for the company of my brothers than touring.

Wilk mentioned that he hoped that next time our kids will be just as close as me and my brothers. I really hope so too. My bros and I don't see each other very often but i really like having them around. I think wilk knows that too and so he was very supportive and took leave to accompany me when i decided on a spur of a moment to fly to HK. Even my dad gave my youngest bro leave from work so that he could spend more time with his sis.

Both my bros are quite different and how i interact with them also differs slightly. My 2nd bro likes to play 'older' brother and its been pretty cool since he 'mellowed' down and i've learnt to appreciate his rather dry and warped humour. These days we still chat everyday on MSN and me bugging him about finding a gf. My youngest bro is a people's person and he will introduce his friends to me and company me to go sing ktv or meals. I sometimes 'bully' him to do things for me but now i only do it on special occasions. He also play mediator whenever i have a tiff with my parents. Perhaps in someways, we are more alike in our perception of things (e.g. relationship and religion). Both of them are crazy about Stephan Chow and i know they often roll their eyes at me when i am missing the 'dialogue' that they sprout to each other. Hey, but at least i catch up, poor wilk is the one ending up wondering what's up with the 3 of us.

Sure, as kids (and even now as adults), we fight and 'squabble' (well more between me and 2nd bro, since 3rd bro is a very VERY tolerant pacifist) but no matter what i do and where i am, they have always been very protective of me. I always tell wilk that my bros means business when they told him that wilk will have to answer to them if he bullies me during their speech at our wedding. But of cos, the two bros really like their bro-in-law too, because i know they always chat him up on MSN whenever they see wilk online, even if its just talking about movies or Naruto comics etc.

I am just very happy that we are the type of siblings that has plenty to share and talk about, and they have also included Wilk as part of the 'gang'. And wilk has also grown to understand the relationship i have with my bros. Well, i am missing the hotpot session and ktv already since i came back last week. I hope they both of them will come back when baby is due but perhaps the next reunion will be in CNY 2009.

Setting a date with the executioner...

If that's what it takes to get my bum off the lazy couch and start on the work that i have been procrastinating on... heck, that's exactly what i'll do.. or i've done.

Ultimately, i really hate having things hanging over my head and trying to pretend that the pile of work didn't exist. I guess i have made enough excuses and truth to be told, i've had help and am feeling better now, also i've pretty much cleared up what i need to clear so there is absolutely no reason why i should still sit on those pile of assignments waiting for me. So i took a deep breath and fixed an appointment with the supervisor next monday evening to go through the marking.

The wonder of having that hourglass tipped over and sand counting down to that particular date! I finished marking one of the assignments for the whole class in 2 hours just now during lunch! Sure, i probably have to go through them again and adjust the marks a little but hell, it sure was a fruitful and intense 2 hours. Since babes helped me with one of the assignments already, that means i just need a couple more hours to finished the last assignment.

This reminds me of a sign i've seen hanging off a colleague's table "The Last Minute is the reason why so many things get done". Hahahahaha thank god for The Last Minute then. Well, i am not proud of myself and i know if i just put my mind to it, i wouldn't have any problems. Perhaps i am just too over-confident that i can do everything and over-reliant on the impertus of 'the last minute'. Seems like i've taken it one step too far with this particular responsibility, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

Guess we all learn something everyday huh? Anyway, if i do forget, someone please stab me if i ever set more than 1 homework for a class of 30, if presuming that i will actually want to take on an extra part-time job as a lecturer again on top of my very full-time job.

Alright... 1 more hour tonight for half of the 3rd assignment, with the rest tomorrow. Since friday i'm on MC, i should do final going through and adjustment of marks then. That leaves saturday and sunday to do any more 'last minute' round-ups i may have neglected over the next 2 days. Sigh. That should do it.

Updates

Just a few updates since i am so erractic with my postings...

1) School finally moved to Yishun and it's byebye Mcnair Rd for good.

Realized that i have never taken a single shot of the school in all my years there. Somehow didn't seem right but before i knew it, keys back with SLA. Oh well. Funny thing is, i actually dreamt of the old school compound last week. Have never dreamt of school before so that's a first. Compared to the old school, the new school is BIG and perhaps it's new, so there are still alot of things not quite in place yet. The walkways are designed poorly. Whenever it rains, the pavements will be wet and water will gather at the ramp due to the barely-there 'shelter'.

And we have been getting 'floods' off the garden, onto the pavement when there is a downpour because there isn't any divider high enough to block off the rainwater and the drainage seems very slow. Ended up with earthworms and other creepy-crawlies stranded on the pavement. The principal thought it was a good idea to gather them up and sell them to the bird shops or to go fishing. I think they better come up with a solution soon or the cleaning aunties will be having a fit soon.

The new place is also alot 'hotter' because now we are stuck in the middle of a housing estate while previously we had alot of space around us to generate breezes. We looked like we have more room but some teachers are wondering if there are enough space in the classrooms for 3 teachers and 9 kids. Oh well... it is all going to be clearer once school reopens on the 23rd. My dept is not quite unpacked because the shelves and filing system i've asked for are not in yet. So still quite a bit of boxes lying around but at least the tables are in and internet is up. Guess everyone is gearing up for opening day. Its going to be all hands on deck that day, what with the health screening and doh, did i mention that quite a number of rooms for kids are not ready (e.g. gym, soft play etc). Haha well, we will survive. We always almost do. :)

2) I've finally started marking the assignments.

All thanks to babes for helping out or i would have died a terrible death. Made my life alot easier while i tried to cope over this couple of weeks. Still, there are some presentations which i am marking myself, on top of that, i am also finally completing some overdue reports. At least now i have the energy to get something going until a couple of weeks ago. Which is probably why i can actually blog now. Hahaha. Well, i am optimistic since i've always by hook or by crook, get things done in the last minute (but i don't make that a standard practice okie, its just ermm... the circumstances these days). Anyway, will have to make an appointment to see the course coordinator to go through the marking. Am targetting sometime in july when i tie up the loose ends.

3) Okie. Finally. Well. For those who already know, guess its no big deal. For those who don't already know, i guess its no biggie either.

Wilk and I are going to be parents come Dec 2008. Looks like i got my wish for a little baby 'Rat' after all. :)

Marking Assignments

I've not started yet!!

I can't even bring myself to look at the mountain piling next to my table.

Everytime i do, i get a headache.

At this rate, i am willing to pay anyone who can tackle them for me.

argh.

All done as "Lecturer"

Last night was the final session at Ngee Ann, though i did say that it has been tiring, on the whole, i quite enjoy the sessions with the trainees. One of them gave me a thank you card and i was pretty touched. So far feedback has been positive from the trainees regarding the way i lecture and i guess if i need to quit and take on another job, lecturing may not be too bad a deal. Despite all my complains about doing training etc, i do have this need to 'teach' and share whenever i am up in the front of the room. Definintely not one of the bo chup or scare to talk to crowd type. Just that the responsibility of making sure everyone in class 'gets' what i am teaching, can be tiring. And i am the sort who will bend over backwards to do so.

Anyway, i am not saying that i have a flair to teach, but i do have a need to share. Most of them seemed to like the idea that i don't do the top-down approach when lecturing except of one trainee who commented that i shouldn't be too friendly because it looks unprofessional. I guess i have never looked very 'lecturer-like' in my get-up and mannerism but i think this trainee might have been used to a different type of educational style because i don't think that being approachable and friendly necessary means unprofessional. Oh well, you cant win them all.

Now on with the marking... *groan*

Onwards still...

It is monday again and i am not feeling chirpy at all though i suspect things will get better as the week passes.

Feeling a little under the weather physically and my mental stamina is also being tested. First off, having to vet someone else's report makes me want to bite something or someone badly. After so long, the improvements are still so minimal. You prod once, they move once. At least this time the report is on time instead of being 2-3weeks late. I hate marking reports. Which sort of reminds me, i have a stack of them waiting for me at home from the batch at Ngee Ann. 27 students and 3 assignments each. What was i thinking? Thank god, its only two more sessions and its adios amigos!

Fio is on MC today and all the SWs are on-course. Looks like its me myself at lunch. There is a new MT with us and she seems very nice. She was originally from Taiwan but has migrated to New Zealand and studied there. Had joined us for lunch last week so maybe i will go be 'social' later if i am feeling up to it but i think chances are remote if i am continuing to vet this report. Up to a point, i think i should just write the bloody thing myself.

Some parents have been driving us (school that is) collectively, up the wall. And then there is that internal dept thing which i will have to face later at dept meeting in the other school. Man, i wish i didnt have to come to work today but it will just mean more shit tomorrow. The trick is to space out the shitty stuff so that it will be easier to manage. Unless of course, there are days when the shit piles up sky high and no matter what it do, its all gonna come crashing down.

Damn. All this talk about shit makes me want to go to toilet and puke. I need a MC.

Lecturing

Starting my stint as a guest lecturer at one of the advance diploma course ran by RCTC and Ngee Ann Poly. Twice a week, 7 to 10pm after work for 5 weeks. Quite tired by the end of the day but i think so far it has been quite a positive experience.

True that there is a lot of work to be done such as preparing the slides, planning & writing out the assignment, reading up and doing the notes, liasing with the coordinator for print-outs and just last night, i had a teaching observation done by the supervisor of the program. But it has been great learning for me as well and it does broaden my perspective because these are adult learners from different centres and kingergartens.

However, i am having a bit of a trouble balancing the lecturing and my own work in school. I am usually quite tired (now more so than ever) and it really takes great effort to juggling all my responsibilities on top of solving others' problems. I must say though, some colleagues at work (some whom i wouldnt have thought could), has been a great help with supporting the program and kids, and working really well together with me. Was a bit surprised but in some ways, i think we all grow and change. I think HOP being on course has been a great learning experience of some of these other senior teachers. One thing that has been affirmed... some people are just much better at being supervisors than teachers, and vice versa. Well, in any case, i am pretty happy and felt quite supported as a team.

Anyway, lecturing will be done by the 24th when the trainees have to do their assignment presentations. I will not be missing the late nights and preparation work, but i think i will miss the interactions. I am NOT looking forward to making their assignments though. 28 trainees and 2 assignments each. Woah. No joke. I have to go dig out my own training with SIM's Open Uni tutor course which i had to undergo when i got a job helping them to tutor the open Uni's course. It's similar type of standard of marking and it has to be really detailed.

In the mean time, i will just try to cope for the next 3 weeks and i still have 2 more lectures to prepare before i am done. Sigh...

Fly away...

Another psych has left the dept. This time round it was someone fairly new who has been with us for just slightly more than a year. The reason which she was leaving was that she has found a better job working in one of the top JCs in singapore as a specialist teacher. I am actually happy for her because she will do well in a job like that and i think it will appeal to her strengths. Besides, she has been thinking of starting up a family and moving to the states with her hubby for studies in another year or so, so i guess her one year contract with the JC fits right into her plan.

However, it is very much our dept's loss now that she has gone. She was a conscientious worker, very responsible and takes initiative to do things. As her supervisor.. i must say, i don't really have to supervise much on her timeliness, responsibility and general work attitude. Makes life easier for me too. So now that she has gone, i am definitely feeling that pinch like when fei left, except i guess it is less personal.

On the personal front, MH has always been a really interesting character, one that at times, boggles my mind because of her personality and way of thinking. I used to think that it will be tough for us to be friends because we are so different in our outlook, but slowly, i think she has, if i can used the word, "endeared" herself to us. I still find it mind-boggling the way she deals with her personal life and at times, i literally slap my forehead for the things she say to parents (let's just say that she is too straight-forward, and need some help with reading people's emotions). But, i am missing her presence at lunch time and that funny laugh of hers because, like it or not, she does make a pretty solid impact.

I acknowledge sometimes i am a little nasty and the stories i tell about her aren't always the most flattering. I do apologize for that. Despite the many grafts and boo-boos, at the bottomline, she is a sweet kid. A little too naive for her own good (but her hubby should be happy about that) but that makes her pretty unique. I still don't agree with a lot of the kind of personal decisions and ideas she has, but i do like her as a person and am grateful for her help while she was here, of which she was most giving.

So, adios MH.
Hope that life in your greener pasture will work out just the way you like it.

Birthday!

Turned 32 on 1st of march.
This year i resolved to celebrate my birthday cheerfully because i am going to try this for a change... I am going to be an optimist this year.

Yaps.
I am going to cut down on my whining and grumbling and take full control of my own emotions and attitude.

I am going to be Positive.. with a capital P!

I am going to be so optimistic that people will find me irritating and think that i am gullible or naive. But I would know that all i am doing is that i am actively going to change the world that i live in first by controlling my own attitude and outlook.

Haha!

I am going to be conscious of how i feel and be proactive in making sure that life does not get me down. If there is a change to be made, i want to be the first to say that I am not fazed by it. HoHoHO... i am going to be that happy, smiley, +++ person that tells everyone that things are going to be A OK.

I may sound crazy but i am not.
Like i said on my birthday... i like to eat crabs for my bday because if my bday is going to be crabby... things are only going to look up from there. Hahaha...

Babies on parade

Must be the time of the year.. some pollen in the air or something but these days i feel like i am living in Baby Central. People giving birth to the left and right of me, 1st months and birthdays celebrations, gatherings and.. and.. and.. There isn't a moment when i am not in a 'baby zone'. These days i spent more money buying baby gifts than i spent on food.

Can't wait for CNY to be over.

Busy Weekend

Just spent a crazy weekend..

peed at by a student and forgot my phone
having big dinner with 40-50 colleagues at an indian buffet restaurant
listening to jazz at regent hotel
shuttling between homes and drinking chicken soup at midnight
gym
meeting friends
shopping at ikea
more shuttling between homes
good friend's baby 1st month celebrations
meeting more babies and more kids
looking for chinese new year goodies
more shuttling between homes and dinner

That's not to mentioned that there are tons of other things which i am supposed to do and have not yet..

spring cleaning
decoration for cny
visiting in laws
buying groceries
baking cookies
calling and meeting up with contractor to make cushions
planning my training materials for two up coming workshop (one of which is in mandarin)

I realized... weekends don't exist anymore for me.

What's to be...

More and more, I began to fear what it would be for me.
About wanting something and in the end having to accept that it is not mine to have.
Ultimately facing a possibility which i have till now, never quite considered.
My fear immense and at times, loneliness at feeling this on my own drives me to tears in the middle of a crowded place.

Laisan's Last Day

Today's Laisan's last day at work...
hate to say it but.. man, time really passes damn fast.

Think she got quite a bit of presents and a really scrumptious (at least i think so) farewell lunch on tuesday and of course, quite a bit of sabo today too. She had paints dunked on her head by the teachers and the therapists didn't let up when we caught her unaware with pails of water (spiked with gold dust) near the cabins by tricking her there.

All in all, plenty of good fun and some of us had to get wet along with her. One could tell how people really liked her because of all the 'attention' she has gotten, and also how people have thought of her as a good sport because of the tricks they played. Afterall, people would have second thoughts if they think that the person they are 'sabo-ing' cannot 'take' the joke. I think Laisan should be really happy with herself at her first job, with the kind of impression she had made upon the people here.

Anyways, it is always goodbyes here these days... and that's sort of depressing. So allow me to make a positive note to Laisan at the end of this..

Hello to new experiences
Hello to broader horizons
Hello to higher aspirations
and
Hello to a new beginning

New Year 2008

Spent new year's eve and new year in the company of friends. Held two little gatherings and tried my hand at making some edible food. Must say that my lasagna and 'le orange' red sausages with white wine stew (erm.. own concoction) didn't turn out too badly...

My new year wishes for 2008...

What i want is have another chance to soar through the clouds again.
Even if metaphorically.

I want to do something crazy and daring while i am still able to control my own fear before it starts to control me. It seems to do that as age catches on. I believe it has something to do with the impeding knowledge of one's mortality. Well, before that day comes, i hope to try more stuff that challenges those fears.

I hope 2008 will be a year of changes and chances for me. A chance for adventure, a change from the mundane. I know that it will only be possible if i make the change myself and i hope that this is something which i will not fail to do.

Wishing all, a happy new year and the beauty of living.

Of WA and AS

Back from Alice Springs and Western Australia just in time for xmas (arrived on xmas eve 9pm). There are more that i will write about once i get my pictures sorted but here are just some thoughts... which may or may not make any sense to anyone, but me.

1) 80000years of no change isn't necessary something i would be proud of. Understand why, yes, but not admire.

2) How is it possible that when you are all packed for summer (think beach shorts and tank tops) and the weather kept at a steady before 20deg, with wind chill and rain?

3) Never travel in a group unless you are pretty darn sure you can take any potentially unforeseeable crap.

4) Esperance has the BEST beaches ever.

5) Never plan a holiday and expect that things will go as you plan.

6) Sleeping out in the bush under the stars isn't as romantic as it sounds, especially when you have to consider shoe-stealing dingos, rain, red dust getting onto your clothes/hair and looking like a stuffed sausage in the swag (thing you sleep in out in the bush).

7) When you wake up every morning before 6am so as to go hiking for another 3 hours, you will be hungry enough to eat anything.

8) Being out in the 'bush', gives you a different perspective on simple things such as washing plates without the benefit of rinsing.

9) Fats lost from eating healthily and daily exercise in Alice Springs can just as easily be gained back by long periods of sitting (driving) & eating at recommended restaurants every night around Western Australia.

10) Bedlinen can go up to 1000 threadcount.

11) Japanese otosans and obasans bring Shoju on camping trip.

12) Camel does not taste better than Kangaroo.

13) The distance driven around WA for 1 week is equivalent to driving from Perth to Singapore.

14) Skydiving ROCKS.

15) Banging table doesn't.

16) Steve Carell is a buffoon in The Office.

17) Gordon Ramsey is cool when he gets all heated up.

18) It is possible to climb the Gloucester Tree and take pictures at the same time.

19) Wine oaked for a year but just bottled for 2 weeks can taste delicious if the harvest is good.

20) Finally, a holiday is only a holiday if you can enjoy yourself and not get too hung up about things. Well... whether this has been a holiday, i think i shall have to keep that information to myself.

Sib Camp 07

Sib Camp 07 is finally over after an exhasting two days one night. For the first time in 5 years, i am not the group leader. Requested to PS that i ought to fade out since i will not be here next year, hence was helping with the logistic and was supposed to be the facilitator for one of the group.

Yes. Supposed to be. In the end, i still ended up doing the group leader job because 1) the actually group leader had to run other activities for the camp and 2) it takes time and committment (yes, some experience helps too) to hold a group of 8 kids together. Especially when all are of different personalities, have different needs and one of them happened to be ASD.

I realized that after doing sib camp for 5 years, it really takes alot of energy, patience and some amount of flexibility to have the kids gel within the short time given in the camp. You will need to be in tune of the minds of youngsters as well as the teenagers. You will also need to know how to have fun and yet maintain a sense of discipline so that the children know where are the boundaries. You will need to be a leader, a playmate, a disciplinarian, a facilitator and strategist throughout your interactions with the children. If there are not personal commitment to this role, it is actually quite difficult to do it well. After all, being a group leader/facilitator doesn't mean that you are just supposed to bring the children through the activities. You have to help them cooperate with each other, pick out instances when learning opportunities arises to build on their communication and team building skills and last but not least, be part of the group and have fun with the kids.

I am personally very fulfilled whenever i take part in sib camp, especially this year, when i saw how much some of the 'old-timers' had grown. Was just telling PS and the rest how well sib camp has 'grown' as a project and deserve to be given more attention and strategizing to improve upon. I think i have shared my opinions about this time and time again and it is really up to the people who are in charged on how they want to continue with this. As i said, there is a reason why some kids keep coming back for sib camp and form bonds with the adults involved. This is one reason why resources for sib camp has to be built up and the system of putting any staff each year isn't quite gonna cut it. Just need to compare the group from our school, who has been doing sib camp for at least 3 years (internally we have decided to have 3 year commitment to the committee so as to have time to build the skills and pass over when new people come on board) to those people from the other school who just take on any staff they are assigned each year. I am not trying to put those staff down (esp when they really tried their best) but honestly, it takes more than just participation, and there are skills that need to be built.

Another grouse i have of this year camp was that there wasn't any debrief and that's really something that should not be done next year. Esp when the staff are new, debriefing is even more important to let everyone match up to speed with how the kids are, what to take note, what to do or not to do (e.g. not PAMPER the children and allow them to dictate what to eat or not eat). Frankly, for adults who had not done the camp before, they would not know what the expectations or the objectives of the camp are. It is really the old timers who are holding things together and at the end of the day, these are the people who are knackered out because they are the last ones to sleep, first one to be up and generally taking over the duties from newbies who did not know what it is that they are suppose to do. Yet, these old timers are the ones who stayed the lastest on the last day and managed to debrief and come up with ideas to push sib camp to greater heights (cross fingers that some of these ideas could come to fruition).

It is not surprising too that only staff from our school are there at the end of it all.

Sigh.

There is a reason why there is this idea of job placement in this world and i totally subscribe to it. Place people who can excel in the job in it's placement. Train those with potential and provide opportunity to facilitate them to use their skills. Who do what job should not be dependent on who is available from time to time.

Sigh.

My last year in Sib camp... am missing the kids and the interactions i have with them. It is an undescribable feeling when you have made a connection with a child and know that you have made a difference (no matter how small).

Empty Thoughts

idle minds breed empty thoughts
as mine do right now
my brain stutters and splutters
to form into coherent
bits and pieces that does not
go anywhere but
up and down
inside and out
in long chains of emptiness
just waiting to be
popped.
pop
pop
pop
like bubbles
over a comical me with my mouth
wide open

A Malaysian Wedding

Attended Fei's wedding last saturday in Skudai, JB. Took us a while on the bus to get there but at least i didn't have to drive so that means i could actually drink alcohol! *woohoo* As usual, the bride was very pretty and glowing. And the groom looked happy and smart. Have not attended a wedding in JB before and my first overall impression of the restaurant was that it's HUGE. There was another wedding taking place in the hall next door and both halls are the size of a 3-4 basketball courts? And it came with a REAL stage (like those you see schools). Anywayz... our tone-chime & glocks performance went without a hitch, all thanks to the frantic practise just a couple of hours before the dinner. We all wore black and I sewed little rose chokers for everyone so that we all had the same 'look'. Must say we look and 'sound' quite 'professional'. Hahaha

In the end, it was a great wedding for Fei. Think she enjoyed herself, esp when her newly crowned hubby serenaded her infront of everyone... that was so cool. We all were very happy for her and i think that's wedding ought to be like... filled with laughter and happiness. Think this 11 year long courtship will turn into a great marriage... in fact there was a great omen in the form of a full arc rainbow (REAL one) just outside the restaurant to welcome the guests as they arrive.

Many good years ahead Fei... May you and Kim Heng live and grow happily together always. :)

No time!

Suddenly wanted very much to sing this song by Karen Mok.. that goes "没时间, 我没时间" cos that's how i feel right this freaking minute.

A piece of work which i had to do completely slipped my mind and before you know it, the deadline is tomorrow.. hmm make that TODAY! Shit. And I am only like... 70% through. Thankfully the structure is up, now its just the fillers. I think i can justify for a bit of time to brush it up. Boss just wanted a draft and the meeting for this is next week. I think i could have completed 90% of it if i didn't 鬼遮眼 when logging off to go to bed，and went on to click "No" to save when closing one of my documents. There goes the whole almost completed document, left with nothing but the title. I was however mightily proud that i did not throw a tantrum there and then (which i am prone to do, at least on FB) and just quickly retyped everything.

I am not so much worried about the work. Heck, this is not even that challenging, but i do hate having things pile up and leap out at me unexpectedly. I wonder why i totally forgot about it... i am usually quite on top of things. Sigh. Perhaps i was just too preoccupied.

Still got so much things to do...

Curriculum project
Assessment report to type
Case conference to attend
Supervision to attend to
Planning for dept and rounding up
Sort out some internal dept affairs
Planning for the Dec trip
Booking accomodation / car
Finding a doc for my mom
Sort out my investment portfolio
Clean the flat
Move my stuff to flat
and other miscellaneous stuff.

I want to go and have a nice brunch on sunday.
Something away from this rather tiring life i've been having
Anyone?